Every year around June and July I have a mini mental break down. It usally starts with an argument with my partner, something so dumb it’s not even worth fighting about. But it’s the miscommunication that breaks me. Hes not understanding what I’m saying, I cant process what he is saying. We get stuck in a loop and my brain shuts down all rational thinking. The fight we had this time triggered something so Furious in me. I broke. I ended up screaming at him that we need tharapy and I was not setting it up! I take meds, I have been to therapists, I read books to help me cope. He needs to do something!
I started sobbing, shut my self in my daughters room with her. I hid between her bed and bookshelf in the same position for or over an hour. Every bit of me hurt as I sobbed silently so she wouldn’t hear me over the show she was watching.
When I finally calmed down enough to extract myself from between the furniture, I hurt all over. I felt numb. As I passed my partner on the way to the livingroom, he said ” hey, I found a counselor.” I ignored him to go crawl in my bed.
I was messing around on the internet that night and ran into something called the ACE score. Advers Childhood Events, scored from 1 to 10. 1 being the lowest score and least likelyhood of childhood Truama. 10.. how are you even alive and functioning, you are fucked.
The correlation of numbers higher than 4 and depression, suiside, mental illness, homelessness, drug addiction, incarsaration and a whole host of physical ailments are astonishing! The way the ACE score was discovered and developed is amazing and I encourage you to read about it. I will post a link.
I’m getting ahead of myself here. I scored an 8. Anything over a 4 is the danger zone. I researched what this meant for me, and if I didnt have the love of my mother and a supportive, non traumatized partner, I would be fucked. It led me down the internet rabbit whole and I found a diagnosis for people like me. Complex PTSD or C-PTSD. Its is a result of long term abuse and neglect. Children from violent, unstable homes like mine & sex trafficking victims are the most likely to have it. It has been submitted to the DSM multiple times and rejected for various reasons. It has a separate ICD-9 code from PTSD for insurance billing but gets rejected a lot. It’s not taken seriously in the US, other countries recognize it as a disorder and treat people for it.
I immediately bought and read
“The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk.
It changed my life. I felt like I was reading ME. Why I react to things the way I do, why I think the way I do, why my brain cant process information like other, because the abuse and neglect rewired my developing brain in to survival mode, instead of learning to be a kid.