Right Now

I’m in my 8th month of real depression. I can feel it in my chest, my brain lies to me and tells me life isnt worth it. You can see it in my face. I dont talk as much. I’m lonely, but dont want company… but I do. I just dont want anyone to see me like this. I have had multiple breakdowns of spiraling out of control in my heal, leading to sobbing, confusion and self harm. I cant keep up, but I’m still going.

I started keeping a journal in January, I wrote my suiside not in it.

I told my partner I fantasized about jumping from one of the largest bridges in the area. He suggested I might want to call the suiside hotline, just to talk.

I posted an article facebook about depression and how it takes every thing from you.

“Unlike suicide, depression operates ceaselessly at a low hum. A suicide is a loud clap that ripples through disconnected lives: it is known and felt instantly. But the slip into isolation before suicide, into the murk of the disease, rarely gets so much notice. We like to discuss the black, but not the fade. Subsequently, it’s hard for friends to know how to interact emotionally with depression, and especially as it spans such a longer period of time”

Lots of people messaged me. Telling me how depressed they are, or that they are here for me when I need them. But I still cant call for help. I mostly resort to sitting on my special spot on the couch, surrounded by the things I love. My journaling stuff. Some half finish craft I started in a burst of rare energy. A book I cant concentrate on… my cat. My kids. I have 2 and they are young, but know mama isnt ok. Something is broken in her brain.

I dont like who I am right now, i know this isnt me. I do not even recognize myself in the mirror some times. Who is that tired, sad looking woman?

I work full time, pay bills if I remember, grocery shop online because fuck going into a store. I want to be alone, but when I am, it gets scary. I used to have plans with friends, projects to joyously start pr work on. Now I just feel nothing but overwhelming dispare.

I know it will end, jut when is the question driving me crazy.

Here is the link to the article about depression I quoated.


My next post will be about when this Furious Season began.

One thought on “Right Now

  1. “I don’t want company, but I do” I felt that line. Sometimes we don’t need comforting words from others. All we need is for that voice in our head to stop screaming at us….

    Liked by 1 person

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