Seeing The Gray

I have always thought of my self as a flexible person. I do not know why. I do know most people with CPTSD can be swayed easily by others. We fight with lost identity, never learning how to grow, how to feel, only to survive.

Over this last year of trying to figure myself out, my identity, how to grow, I figured out my thinking is very black and white. Either, or.

I have always been called intense or opinionated. But my opinion usally changes as the discussion evolves. Unless there is clear scientific data on a subject. Then I’m right and you are wrong. Just like that. Not well maybe we are both right, because science is constantly evolving. You are just WRONG!

Same with personalities. This one took me 30 some years to figure out. If I dont like you than I must hate you, because that’s the only other option in my head.

Or with ANY type of instruction. I need every detail, I need to know the RIGHT way…. if you give me the choice, say on making a simple work decision, I freak out. I over think, I think it’s a great idea, but will everyone else? Am I doing it right? This is definitely wrong. Just give me exact instructions!

Or when I get it in my head that I have been wronged, I head down a spiral to that person being the biggest asshole ever, I will NEVER talk to them again. Relationship OVER. But then we talk and every thing is ok. we are the best of friends. But most people would brush things off in the first place. They have learned that a small slight, is probably just taken out of context or not meant in a harmful way. I go ballistic in my head. It is hard for me to relate to other people.

I didn’t realize I had this black and white thinking until I had a recent conversation with my partner. I am trying to explain to him my thought patterns. Why when he says something, my thoughts take to to a totally different place than what he meant. And he’s pretty clear when he speaks or explains something. The pathways of thought in my head go into the yes or no category, then they are further processed into feelings, then meanings, and honestly it’s no where near what my partner meant most of the time. He found this to be sad for me and kinda strange. I told him about my extream thinking processes and how I can’t seem to see the Gray. He looked at me and said “that’s funny, all I see is the gray in things.”

I think the “gray” must be very comforting. Confident, strong and not an intense, opinionated space. My partner never feels the need to explain himself to others, is very comfortable making small talk and bullshit, will not tell people his religious or political views. He always amazes me when I come up with an idea or we are discussing various topics, and he has a compleatly different way of looking at it that I whould NEVER even think of.

I try not to get offended when he tries to show me a new way to do something or a better way to handle a situation. I’m not a fucking baby, I can do it my self… but then his way usally is easier.

A close friend of mine also had a terrible childhood. She is the opposite of me. I’m loud, rude and brash with my words, using humor and cuss words to make people laugh and get attention. She’s quiet. She learned very early to just take care of her self and be quiet. Don’t be noticed. She is another “gray” thinker and we get along so well. She talks me down from my extreams and I explain the seriousness of this very unserious situation. Crisis after crisis happens to her, with family or kids and she always finds a way. I haven’t found my gray yet, but I’m searching hard for it.