I have a bit of a control problem. More like a self control problem. Because I had zero control growing up, about anything, I’m over controlling now. Especially about my body.

As far as I know I was never sexually abused as a child. But I was beaten constantly, for very small infractions. Like waking my drug passed out dad up, while trying to get food from the kitchen for my brother and I.

Being yanked, hit, held upside down, held by my hair, being forced over something to be hit, pushed to the ground. All while being screamed at for what a worthless piece of shit I was. I had no control.

Being touched is a vital thing for some people, I feel instantly trapped. Overwhelmed. My partner is a foot taller and much larger than me. He loves being touched and held. But I do not. It causes my chest to tighten and my heart to race, I feel panic rise and yell “I’m not in the mood for this!” His feelings are hurt alot and I honestly have no idea how he deals with it. When I asked him recently, he said he was used to my rejection by now. Trying to explain to some one with no childhood or any truama at all, that it’s me not you… sounds bad. And he dosen’t understand.

The biggest issue surround this is I did not always feel this way. Only since my truamas have started resurfacing, the last year or so. We used to be VERY snuggly and affectionate.

Another thing that changed it was having kids… I’m touched out. They need me to hold them and snuggle them, to grow. I feel unthreatened by them, and its esier for me to deal with. To be clear I DO NOT feel threatened by my husband at all. Hes just a big guy, a man.. and a man is the one who hurt me so much as a child that my body reacts with out my consent to get away.

This is painful for our marriage, as you can imagine sex is especially difficult. I often disassociate and feel numb. I can not control this and it just makes me want to avoid it all together. But being in a sexless marrage is torture to the one who wants to bond. So I really have to prepare myself. It sounds ridiculous, but if you have ever been abused, I’m sure some of you know what I mean.

Really, I wish I was just normal. Regular household and financial stress like everyone else. But I have a dark cloud over me that is constantly raining down shit.